


Scared and Scarred

by Asexual_Enjolras



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Asexual Sirius Black, Asexuality, Asexuality Spectrum, Body Image, Canon Era, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Gay Remus Lupin, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Era, James Potter is a Good Friend, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Minor James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, No Sex, Platonic Cuddling, Platonic Romance, Platonic Soulmates, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Remus Lupin is a Good Boyfriend, Sad Sirius Black, Self Confidence Issues, Sexuality Crisis, Sirius Black & James Potter Friendship, Sirius Black is a Good Boyfriend, Werewolf Remus Lupin, Young Remus Lupin, Young Sirius Black
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-23 11:56:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23711128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asexual_Enjolras/pseuds/Asexual_Enjolras
Summary: There is a rumour travelling around Hogwarts that Sirius Black has been taking girls to the Shrieking Shack.With the growing popularity and attention surrounding his apparently 'active' sex life, a confused Sirius Black grows concerned about the reputation that is being painted of him. All the while, as rumours about his boyfriend's sex life spread, Remus is growing more self conscious about the way that he looks and the idea of one day having to show his boyfriend his scars.Remus' anxiety leaves him too self conscious to give Sirius what he thinks he may want and Sirius' scares leave him too afraid to explain to Remus how he truly feels about the matter of sexual activity.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 13
Kudos: 195





	Scared and Scarred

***

James' voice was almost inaudible as Sirius attempted to block out his friend's idiotic remark. Usually, he would have snorted at the jest that James was making but this morning was already a tiresome one without Remus present at the table. He shoved his toast into his mouth, rolling his eyes as his friend continued to laugh. 

"You think that people will be talking about it all day then?" Peter asked, his voice filled with anticipation. Sirius just blinked, not wanting to think about it.

"What? Our good friend, Sirius, being the biggest player in the whole of Hogwarts? No, Pete, I doubt anyone will mention it at all." James said, pushing his glasses up before they slid any further down his nose. "I mean - even I'm curious how you managed to sneak out of the grounds to - you know." 

"Same way Remus does monthly, I suppose." Peter said, shrugging.

Sirius' eyes glared into their friend, his face scrunching. He had always despised jokes about Remus' transformations, especially on a day where he was absent. It was that time of the month and Sirius despised not being there for him.

"Say it a little louder, Peter, I don't think anyone over on the Slytherin table heard." He gritted his teeth. Peter's face burned red, his eyes welling slightly.

"He didn't mean it like that." James whispered. "Calm down." He said. "We get that you're tired from sneaking around at night but - don't take it out on us." James demanded.

Sirius just rolled his eyes again, throwing his knife down and stropping out of the Great Hall.

"Morning." Lily Evans' white teeth almost blinded James as he sat back down opposite the ginger Gryffindor. Even at this early hour, she looked angelic and James found himself drawn to her radiating glee. "What is wrong with Sirius?" She asked.

"We don't know." Peter shuffled over, making room for Lily. "He just - stormed off." 

Lily blinked. 

"He was up all night last night, if you get my drift." James performed a little thrust, his smirk wide.

"You're a pig, Potter." Lily scowled. "I'm trying to eat." 

"Pig, ironically." He said, pointing down at her pork sausages and bacon. Lily found herself trying to hold back her giggle, her small hands covering her lips. James was infuriating at the best of times but there was no time that he was more infuriating than when he had actually succeeded at making her laugh. She couldn't give him that satisfaction.

"Do be quiet." She barked. "Anyway, is it true that he has been heading out to the Shrieking Shack at night?" 

James blinked, his body freezing. 

"The Shrieking Shack?" He repeated, feeling uncomfortable. Peter bit his thumb so he didn't say anything he shouldn't, his face burning crimson still.

"Yeah - haven't you heard?" Lily asked. 

"No?"

"Sirius hasn't told you?" She tilted her head. 

"No?" 

"Oh - there's a rumour going around that he's been sneaking out of the Castle to head over to the Shack." Lily grew uncomfortable.

"There is? And where did this rumour come from?" James felt his stomach turn. There was no way they could have been seen, was there?

"It's all over the Gryffindor Common Room." Lily said. "Last night, apparently, he took Florence over there and - well, you know." She said, wriggling her finger and pointing down at James' crotch.

"Sirius?"

"Yes, seriously." She said. James - in any other circumstance - would have corrected her and made a typical joke about his friend's name but he couldn't find the words. His mouth was dry. "Obviously I know it's not true, he would never do that to-" She bit her tongue. "Anyway, I'm surprised he hasn't mentioned it." 

"That dirty little dog." James grinned, making Peter laugh at the mention of the term 'dog' to refer to Sirius. "I'm proud of him." He said, slapping his hand on the table. Of course, he knew that Sirius wasn't taking these girls to the Shrieking Shack - he couldn't do that to Remus. But he was proud of him for the other part of the story. 

"Pig." Lily rolled her eyes.

"You evidently love pig." James pointed down at her plate again, grinning. "Well - I have to find out more now." James jumped up. "I'll see you in Potions." He smiled, making Lily smile back. She nodded, lightly. "Come on, Peter." 

***

Remus' head was spinning, as it usually was at this time of the month. He could barely see straight as he placed his hand onto his forehead, feeling for a temperature. He was alone in Potions class this morning and he didn't like it. Slughorn had offered only a few students an extra class and Lupin was one of those few. Evidently, his friends were not.

"You're Sirius Black's friend, right?" A voice said, making Remus jump. He swallowed.

"Er - yes." He stammered. He wasn't expecting anyone to speak to him this morning and he had been glad of that. 

"I have a question about him." Remus tilted his head as the blonde girl, who he thought was called 'Jessica', spoke. Her eyes were glistening as she stared into him, her voice filled with inquisitive charm. He nodded, inviting her to continue. "Has Sirius Black really had sex in that old shack out in the woods?" She asked, her voice filled with anticipation.

Remus' heart pounded in his chest, his voice caught in his throat. 

"It's all over the school and we figured that you'd know, being his friend and all." It was only then that Remus noticed that Jessica was in the company of another girl - a Slytherin. Her hair fell down straight against her shoulders, her blue eyes narrowing with a smirk.

He bit his lip, his spine tingling. The mere mention of the Shrieking Shack was enough to make Remus feel nauseous at the best of times, but the idea that Sirius was using it for reasons other than his transformations was hurtful and it filled him with anxiety. Of course, Remus was intelligent enough to know that Sirius would never hurt him like that but - the assertion in the girl's voice made the lump in his throat stronger.

"Clearly not that much of a friend." The Slytherin taunted. "Come on, Jess, he clearly doesn't know." 

Remus allowed his eyebrows to raise, his face scanning the faces of the two girls in front of him, his own blank. 

"Yeah but - how does a girl get to - you know - go there with him?"

Remus could feel his cheeks begin to burn, his throat drying at the thought of having to reply. He swallowed, hard and shuffled. 

"Excuse me." He said, standing up. He picked up his satchel, clutching it as he shuffled around the girls and rushed away from the table where he was sat. 

"Ah, Remus - there you are." Professor Slughorn tapped his shoulder, making the Gryffindor leap with shock. "I have been meaning to speak with you." Remus stood still whilst he tried to keep his emotions in check, taking a deep breath.

"Professor - sorry - I don't feel too good." He said, his voice wavering. Slughorn's face was kind, his hand landing on top of the small student's shoulder.

"You may be excused from class this morning, Remus, do not worry." Slughorn said. "I will inform Albus - Professor Dumbledore. Go and get yourself some rest." 

"Oh - Professor, no - I don't need you to speak to Professor Dumbledore." He stammered, desperately.

"It is alright, Remus. Now, very quickly, I want to invite you along to the Slug Club at the end of this week." Slughorn continued, completely disregarding Remus' hurry to leave the room. "I will send you the details by owl, if you would like." He smiled.

Remus nodded, his eyes narrowing. 

"Yes - thank you, Professor Slughorn."

"Very good. Now go and rest yourself up, you are going to need it."

***

Remus headed straight to the Gryffindor Common Room, his emotions all over the place. He gave Lily and her friends a quick smile before heading up to his shared bedroom, making a mental note to speak with Lily about the 'Slug Club' later on.

But Lily had other ideas, her hand tapping onto Remus' shoulder.

"Hi." She said, taking him by surprise. He flinched at the touch, his skin still tender from the previous few nights. "Can we talk?" She asked. "You look awful, are you feeling okay, Rem?" 

Remus looked pale and was sweating. He gave her a small smile. He could feel his heart plummeting in his chest but he had years of practicing to be okay. He bit his lip, grinning. 

"I'm fine, Lily, don't worry."

Lily wasn't so sure. She looked him up and down and raised her eyebrows. 

"Come on, let's go get some air." She offered him her hand, smiling. He took it, following her out of the room and in the courtyard. "So, have you spoken to him?" She asked, sitting down against the wall.

Remus shuffled, uncomfortably. 

"Look - the rumours aren't true, Rem." She said. "That much is obvious. Sirius adores you."

"I - I know that." He said, stammering. "I mean - I know they're not true."

"Good. You are official now, he wouldn't ever cheat on you." She said.

Remus knew that. He and Sirius had been 'dating' for over six months now. Sirius had asked Remus to be his boyfriend in the most Sirius Black way possible; down on one knee with a little awkward smirk on his face whilst they were both alone in the Shrieking Shack just after Remus had transformed back to himself. He had stumbled over his own words multiple times and Remus had said yes without hesitation, the joy acting as a pain relief sedative as Sirius had leant forward to kiss him. In the moment, Remus didn't even flinch. They'd been seeing each other for years before that, just not officially. Remus had been in love with Sirius from their First Year. They had just been dancing around their feelings for so long.

"I know that." 

"Then - what is it?" Lily asked, brushing the hair from Remus' eyes to see that he was crying slightly.

"It's just - it's made me think about things and I know that he - he won't want me anymore."

Lily felt a sharp blow in her chest.

"What are you talking about?" 

"Sirius and I - we have never slept together." He admitted, grumbling at the thought of it.

"Oh." Lily blinked. "And?"

"And I don't ever want him to see me, Lily." He regretted the words as soon as they had left his mouth, his hand throwing itself up to cover his the hole in his face where the words had collapsed from.

Lily's head tilted. She, of course, wasn't aware of the reasons why Remus could never want Sirius to see him. She didn't know of the scars that were branded deep into his skin.

"Remus, you're being silly. Everyone is nervous their first time. And Sirius is a virgin too, right?" She said. "Despite the rumours, of course." Remus shrugged. "We're all sixteen, none of us are experienced and - and I'm sure that Sirius isn't expecting that from you anyway. Not until you're ready." 

Remus felt sick. He scolded himself for opening up. Lily was the friend that he trusted with every secret that he had, all except for his biggest, and he trusted her judgement but she couldn't understand it. She had no reason to understand what he was feeling about the situation.

"But Sirius is a very mature - sixteen year old and - isn't this the next logical step in the relationship? And if not now then it will be in the future." He blurted out, no longer thinking about what he was saying before the words formed in his mind and hit Lily's ears. "And I just - I can't let him see me like that, Lily. I can't let him see me without my clothes on. I'm not ready and - and I don't think I ever will be ready, does that make me a bad person? I can't expect him to love me if I can't fulfil the relationship, right? I'm being selfish if I keep him hanging on." 

"Remus, calm down." Lily clapped her hands, making Remus snap out of his rant. "You need to calm down." She begged, placing her hand on his shoulder. "You just have to speak to him." She said. "He will understand. There are no two people better suited. You make him a better person and he, you." She smiled. "I want a relationship just like you one day. He will understand, Remus. I promise, he will."

She held her hand out, offering Remus it. He took it and she pulled him into a hug, causing him to flinch in pain.

"Sorry - I know that you're not an affectionate person but - you needed a hug." 

Remus sighed, falling into the hug and placing his face into the shoulder of his friend, wiping his eyes with her robe. 

"Come on - let's go and find him." She said. "I'm sure you will find that he really doesn't care about that all that much." She grinned, kindly. 

Remus wasn't sure. He just nodded, using his practiced acting skills to pretend that he was fine - to pretend that her words had reassured him.

But they hadn't. He still felt sick.

***

The light bounced into the bedroom from outside of the Hogwarts Castle, the sun's bright rays bouncing around the room and complimenting the bright crimson of the Gryffindor colours. James and Peter were sitting on the floor, with Sirius lying down beside them and looking up at the plain roof of their room. He had his arm wrapped around his neck, his legs up in the air leaning against Remus' bed.

"So, are the rumours true then?" James asked. "You really have been sleeping with multiple girls in this school?" 

"Sure." Sirius rolled his eyes, rolling over to face away from his friends in turn so they couldn't see the discomfort in his expression.

Sirius felt his heart sting, his mouth glued shut. This conversation was uncomfortable and he hated it. He had never been comfortable talking about sex or anything similar. He hated it and he didn't fully understand why. 

"What was it like?" Peter and James asked, their voices full of inquisition. Sirius swallowed the lump in his throat and sat up. 

"Fun, I guess." He shrugged, unsure what to say. 

"That's it?" 

"What more do you want me to say?" 

Remus took a deep breath and entered the room, his eyes straining as he looked at Sirius. He coughed a little, wheezing at the pain he could feel from the nights passed and from the hurt he was feeling about these rumours. They had stirred something inside of the taller, slender Gryffindor that he had suppressed long ago and was perfectly content suppressing.

"Oh, hi Remus." Peter grinned, making Sirius jump up. He looked at Remus' expression and felt guilt hit him straight in the chest. He knew he shouldn't be feeling guilty because he hadn't really slept with those girls and the rumours weren't true but he still hadn't spoken to him about it. He hadn't checked how Remus was feeling and that made him feel awful.

"Hello." Remus said, half-heartedly. 

"I thought you were in Slughorn's Potions class." Sirius asked, tapping the area beside him and inviting Remus to sit down beside his smaller body. 

"I left." Remus said, putting his bag down on the floor beside his own bed and shaking his head at the other boy.

"Why-" 

"We were just talking about Sirius' little adventures around the Castle at night." James interrupted.

"Yeah - he's been sleeping with so many people." 

"I haven't." Sirius said. 

"But you said that you had." 

Sirius growled internally. Remus stayed silent, his eyes narrowing as he rested his head against his pillow, burying his hair into the touch of the cover.

"I was just joking-" Sirius jumped up and climbed into Remus' bed beside the other boy, being careful not to knock his tender skin. He noticed Remus flinch, his bruised skin aching. "Can - can Remus and I have some time alone?" Sirius asked.

"What ever for?" Remus snarled, pretending not to know what Sirius wanted. He had sussed it out the moment he had entered the room. He knew that Sirius would want to speak with him alone. That was Sirius all over: considerate.

"Yeah, what for?" James asked, confused too. 

"I - er - he promised to assist me with my work. I have some catching up to do and I just know that you will distract me, Prongs." Sirius improvised. In their time together, Remus and Sirius had gotten good at making up lies on the spot to have some alone time with his boyfriend. But this one was more important than it had ever been.

James looked unsure, his eyes narrowing. But he nodded all the same and pulled Peter out of the room.

"Any excuse to speak to Lily Evans." He smirked. 

"Good luck with that." Sirius laughed.

"Hey, maybe you could give me some tips on how to get the girls." James winked, teasing his best friend, who flinched and rolled his eyes, feeling Remus shuffle beneath him.

Once the door slammed, the smaller boy curled up closer to his boyfriend. Remus flinched, again, curling up respectively. Sirius wanted to speak but he couldn't find the words. He wanted to explain everything but he couldn't find the right way to say it. Or the nerve.

"I need to speak with you, too." Remus sat up, taking a deep breath in and feeling a tugging sensation in his chest. He bit his lip. "It - it's about those rumours." 

"They're not true, Moony." Sirius jumped straight in, his voice desperate and breaking. 

"I know that." Remus said, putting his hand onto the smaller man's shoulder and turning around to face him. Their faces were inches away, their noses touching as Sirius felt his stress relieve slightly. That was all he had hoped for. "But - they have made me think."

Then, Sirius' stress returned, his eyebrows lowering.

"Please - please don't say anything until I - until I have finished." 

Sirius agreed, nodding. He could feel his nerves becoming unbearably high.

"Do - do you promise not to?" 

"I do." He nodded, again.

"Alright - I - I think that we should stop this." He signalled between the two of them, inviting Sirius to open his mouth in protest. Remus placed his finger to the other boy's mouth. "You promised." He said. "You said you wouldn't speak." Sirius bit his lip, hard. That would be harder than he imagined, he thought. "I - I know that you love me and I love you so much but - I can't give you what other people can. I don't think I ever can." 

"What do you mean?" Sirius squeaked, breaking the promise instantly.

"These rumours - your - well, you're a normal boy and - and I'm not. I'm a werewolf, you know?" He shuffled. "And I - I can't give you what a normal lover can." Sirius squinted, his mind trying to comprehend what Remus was referring to. "You know what I mean." 

But Sirius didn't. He didn't know what Remus meant. He had never understood sex or the attraction that people physically felt towards other people. He had never wanted to, nor had the ability to. But he had also not explained that to anyone. He had been far too embarrassed to.

"Sex." Remus spat out. "I don't - I don't want you to see me like that." Remus cried, wiping his eyes. Sirius felt his heart sting as he watched as Remus shuffled into the corner of his bed, his eyes red and puffed up.

He was scared and scarred. Remus was afraid to even look at himself in the mirror without clothes on. He had never been able to love the way that he looked without clothes on and he had no idea how he could ever expect anyone else to look at his pale, scarred body without feeling anything but pity for him. Nobody could ever love what they saw.

"And - I know that I'm not an attractive person anyway." Sirius wanted to argue but bit his tongue, at a loss of words. "And I know how much you probably want to - have intercourse. That's the normal thing, right? To want it? Right?" Again, Sirius wanted to laugh at his friend's innocence but he found himself unable to. The lump in his throat had rendered him speechless. "James is forever talking about it and - you are always joking about it and I know that they're just jokes but I know that you want that. You're normal, after all." Remus wasn't even trying to stop himself anymore, the words were just falling from his mouth without much thought. "It's normal to be - active in that way - at this age, right?"

Sirius swallowed. He wished it wasn't so hard for him to admit how he truly felt but he couldn't.

"I wish - I wish I could but - I can't." Remus cried. "I can't, I'm sorry." 

Remus lifted the quilt over his head again, his eyes stinging still. Sirius felt nauseous at the thought of Remus feeling so uncomfortable around him.

"I - I just - I can't let you see me." Remus sobbed. "Not ever - and - and I completely understand if - if that means that you - you don't want to stay with me." He choked, his voice breaking. "I can't ever - I don't want - you wouldn't love me anymore." 

"I don't want to see you without your clothes on anyway." Sirius said, without thinking about the implications of the words if they were taken the wrong way and - with it being Remus - of course they were going to be taken out of context. 

Remus felt his heart break as he lifted the quilt over his head. He already felt like an idiot but those words hurt more than he could have ever imagined, and this was a boy that had been through hell every month since he was five years old. He had never thought that anything could hurt more than the pain he felt after transforming monthly but this - this was worse than death.

"I didn't - I didn't mean it to come out like that." Sirius threw his hands up, his face dropping once he realised what he had said. "I didn't. I - I meant - I don't want that from you."

Remus was still shaking, his arms wrapping themselves tightly around his frail, scarred body. Sirius wanted to comfort him. He wanted to throw his arms around him and tell him that he didn't care about any of that, because he didn't. But he also didn't know how to tell him those things.

"Maybe we should end this." Remus cried, his voice cracking.

Sirius didn't let those words process in his mind, his natural instinct to just pretend that he hadn't heard them. He shook his head, biting his lip.

Remus wiped his nose, his tears staining his cheeks.

Neither of them dared to speak next. Sirius, being Sirius, just stared at the other boy - who was still sobbing but attempting to get his emotions in check.

His light hair fell innocently in front of his eyes, his cheekbones chiseled as his jaw clenched in a desperate attempt to hold in his sobs.

Sirius studied the expression on Remus' face. He was sure of himself, which made Sirius feel broken. Remus' eyes were red raw, his hand raised up to his face as he continued to wipe the tears that continued to fall. The auburn haired boy had never felt so lost and Sirius wanted nothing more than to reassure him.

"No." He said, simply. He couldn't - again, being Sirius - think of anything else to say.

"What?" Remus looked up through glazed eyes.

"I said no." Sirius put his foot down. "This isn't over. I'm not - that's not supposed to happen. We're together, Moony." 

Remus stayed quiet, his words getting caught in his throat. 

Sirius felt his legs collapse slightly in on themselves as he crawled over to Remus, his arms throwing themselves around the taller man. Remus flinched, Sirius felt it but he was refusing to let go now.

He found himself at a loss of words, his mouth drier than a desert.

"I love you, Remus." Sirius' voice was small and broken as he whispered into Remus' ear.

"You deserve someone that can - give you everything." He said, his hands shaking. "I - I'm a monster." He said. "And I don't - I don't deserve someone as good as you." 

"Moony, we've been over this. You're - you're not a monster and I'm not a good man. You - you're all I want." Sirius begged, pleaded.

"I can't give you what you want, Sirius." Remus pushed Sirius' face away with his hand as Padfoot leant into a kiss. "Please, let me do this for you."

Sirius hated this. He hated not being able to explain himself. He knew he had to and this would be the perfect time to but he just couldn't find the words.

"I love you, Pads, but I need to let you go." Remus sobbed. 

"No - no, Moony, no." 

"This is for the best." He nodded.

"Fuck! I don't want to have sex with you, Moony." Sirius screamed, his anger at himself transcending into his tone. Remus jumped slightly, his heart beating heavily in his chest. "Fuck."

"I'm sure Remus knows that-" Sirius heard James say from the door. He'd just entered the room and had no context and so resorted to his usual jester personality. James' eyes landed on the tear stained streams that had scarred down both of the boys' faces but he knew better than to question it. Not right now. It was evidently not a good time. He frowned as he got no laughter at his joke, smirking.

"Come on - that was funny-"

"Piss off, Prongs!" Sirius yelled, taking James by surprise. "Please." His voice softened, slightly. "I need to speak to Moony alone."

James appreciated the sensitivity in his voice, and gave Remus a reassuring smile, who smiled back through his hurt eyes. He may not have known the context of the argument or the reason why Remus was upset, or Sirius angry but he didn't need to. He appreciated that his two friends evidently needed to sort whatever it was out alone, without him. And they would explain in their own time. He nodded, leaving the room and whispering a quick 'Colloportus' spell so that they wouldn't be disturbed again, unless someone used the 'Alohamora' charm.

"I - I don't want to sleep with you." Sirius repeated himself, restarting the conversation once James had left, softer this time. His arms fell to his side as he collapsed into a mess away from the bed, his knees smashing on the floor.

Remus slowly lifted the quilt from his body, his head emerging from the darkness with a confused expression.

"Sirius?" 

"I - I don't want to do this." 

Remus shuffled forward, wiping his own eyes in order to comfort the other man, who had caved in on himself. 

"Please - I don't want to, Moony." He sobbed, holding his face in his shaking hands. Remus frowned, his mind racing just as much as his heart was. 

"I don't - Sirius, I'm not forcing you into anything and I - I don't understand. What's wrong?" 

"I can't tell you." Sirius cried, his personality a shadow of his usual self. He was quaking and shivering, his spine was tingling and his eyes were stinging with salty tears that he couldn't contain. "I - you won't - I can't explain." 

Remus took a deep breath, controlling himself and his feelings. He shuffled closer to his boyfriend and ran his finger along his cheek, wiping the tears that were spilling. His face was pale as he winced at the pain in his back.

"I don't understand." Remus' voice snapped. He wrapped his arms around Sirius' face, stroking his long, curled, black hair. "What - what is it?" 

Sirius didn't reply, he melted into Remus' touch, holding his hand tightly. He just sobbed harsher, his breath getting caught in his throat as he shook his head.

"Alright - you don't have to say. It's alright." Remus coed into his ear. He had never seen Sirius in such a state. Sirius was the strongest person that he had ever met. He was much stronger than he could ever be, he thought. But this was something new. He had never seen him so broken. And he felt so weak, being unable to help him or to understand.

"I - I love you." Sirius choked out, his voice small.

Remus held Sirius in his arms, refusing to let go as he ran his fingers through his long, black curls. The soothing nature of the gesture made Sirius' muscles ease.

"I - I can't lose you."

"I love you too." Remus said, his voice close to Sirius' ear. It tingled the nerves in his spine as the whisper hit his cornea. He fell into the taller boy's chest, taking in his familiar scent and holding him close.

The two boys fell silent, just holding one another. Remus didn't want to push Sirius to tell him anything if he was not comfortable but he did want to know.

"I - do you promise not to laugh at me?" 

"Of -"

"Don't answer that, I don't want to insult your kindness, I know that you never would." Sirius said. "Not about something this personal." He said, his voice steadying. "I'm not attracted to you in that way, Moony." He admitted. Remus flinched at the words, evidently taking personal offence to it. "No - it's not you." Sirius said, sounding like a romantic movie cliche. "It definitely isn't you - it's definitely me." He nodded, his lips inches away from Remus' skin. He pressed his face to his chest. "I'm just - I'm not attracted to people that way. Nobody. It doesn't make sense to me, either." He said, when he saw the confused expression painted on Remus' puzzled face. "I never have been - nobody." He reiterated his words.

"I understand." Remus continued to run his hand through Sirius' hair.

"You - you do?" 

Remus nodded, slowly.

"It - I've read about this somewhere before. Asexual. I think that's the term." He explained. "No sexual attraction to men or women, right?"

Sirius would have laughed at the cliche of Remus reading something and retaining the information from the book as though it was nothing if he wasn't so close to bawling. Remus was the smartest person that he knew. He was such a nerd cliche. And he would have probably made a joke about it before if he didn't feel so sick.

"I - I don't understand it." Sirius said, his voice small. But he nodded. That sounded right.

"I do - and it's alright." He wiped the tears from his cheeks. "It just means that you don't want that. And you may never want that. You're not - not sexually attracted to other people." Remus smiled. He saw the confusion in Sirius' eyes and so continued, "But you do still love." He shuffled closer still, his breath close to Sirius' face. "It doesn't mean that you love any less - or that you don't deserve to be loved at all."

Then, Sirius burst into tears again.

"Don't cry." Remus begged. "Please. It hurts my heart." 

"I'm sorry." Sirius cried more. "I - I'm not normal." 

"No - no. Don't talk like that." Remus pushed all of his own insecurities to the side. It was evident that Sirius was going through just as much trouble accepting himself and he had to support him through this. "I don't deserve normal anyway. I'm far from it myself, aren't I?" He winked, making Sirius' body lose its stiffness. "What a pair we make." Remus laughed.

Sirius scoffed slightly. 

"Huh? The werewolf that's so embarrassed by his hideous, atrocious, disgusting and horrific scars that he can't feel comfortable with his own boyfri -"

Sirius met Remus' eyes, his hand running up Remus' shirt almost impulsively, making the taller boy starkly move away. Sirius climbed on top of him, holding him in place and pressing his lips to the soft skin of his boyfriend's, running his finger across Remus' cuts beneath his red, scarlet jumper.

"You're not hideous." Sirius said, his eyes filling with tears. "Far from it."

"But my - my scars -" he wriggled out of Sirius grip, pulling away so he couldn't feel his scars anymore.

"They - they show your strength." Sirius grinned. He knew that his words wouldn't mean anything to Remus. He knew that nothing could make him feel any better about his scars but he would be damned if he didn't tell him how he really felt about them. "You - you are beautiful, Moony. To me. Perfect, even."

Remus smiled, wrapping his arms around his own waist.

"Come here." Sirius tapped the area next to him. "Please." 

Remus complied, falling beside him in a lump. Sirius shuffled closer to him, his hands fluctuating towards the bottom of his jumper.

"May I?" 

Remus flinched. But he agreed, nodding as Sirius carefully lifted his shirt. He allowed his eyes to study the marks that scarred Remus' torso. 

"You're no less beautiful to me." Sirius allowed his mouth to smirk.

"Sirius -" Remus tried to pull his shirt back down.

"I'm serious." Sirius said. 

"I know - and I'm Remus." Lupin winked.

"Oh. I walked right into that." Sirius laughed, his giggle melting Remus' heart. He had always had the sweetest laugh.

"You did." Remus laughed. 

Sirius pushed Remus back, gently, and placed his lips to his.

"I love you." 

"I love you too." Remus laughed. "Hey, and - I don't care." He said. "I'm - I'm just sorry that you didn't feel able to tell me."

Sirius felt a twinge in his heart again.

"It wasn't that - I trust you with everything, Moony. But I - I didn't - I still don't really understand it." He said. "But these rumours, they hurt. And I know that they hurt you too and I'm just - I'm sorry." 

"You didn't start the rumours, Pads." 

"No, but - I didn't stop them either. I thought it would make me feel a little more normal but - but I just ended up hurting you instead." 

"No."

"I did though." 

"This wasn't your fault. And I - I'm sorry that I didn't make it easy for you to confide in me. Your sexuality doesn't matter to me. Nothing does but you. I - I adore you and I want you to know that I am always here for you. Always."

"Always?" 

"Always." Remus pulled himself closer. "Always." 

"I don't deserve you." 

"We deserve each other." Remus smirked, his eyebrows raising with a wiggle, grinning.

The two boys collapsed into the pillow, holding one another tightly.

"Does this mean you're retracting your break-up?" Sirius teased.

Remus rolled his eyes, giving off a small giggle.

"I really hate you." 

"Huh." Sirius sniggered.

"But yes - I retract it. And I'm sorry that I didn't give you the -"

"Let's stop apologising." Sirius grinned.

"Alright." 

"Alright." 

And it was alright. Everything was alright between them. And it was always going to be alright between them. Remus and Sirius had a mutual connection between themselves. They didn't need anyone else to understand it. They loved one another despite all of their flaws and that was what mattered. Despite the rumours, the pain and the heartache: they had one another. And they always would do.

***

"Hey, your name's Remus, right?" Remus recognised the voice almost instantly, turning to face the Gryffindor girl with a small smile. 

"Jessica." He nodded.

"Hi - I just - I wanted to apologise for the other day in Slughorn's class. It wasn't your place to say, I know that now." She stuck her hand out, offering it to the lanky boy in front of her. Remus squinted. "And I'm sorry for putting you on the spot."

"What's this about?" Sirius quizzed. Lily shuffled in her seat. 

"Oh, is this the girl that was asking how to get with Sirius?" James asked, grinning. Jessica's face burned crimson, her voice catching in her mouth. Remus gave her a small, reassuring smile as he sat down beside Sirius. Lily gave James a small kick under the table, resulting in him squealing slightly. She had told him that in confidence. She rolled her eyes, mouthing a quick 'sorry' to Remus. Sirius' eyebrows raised at the awkwardness of the situation.

"Sorry-" Jess went to turn and run away.

"No, no - that wasn't Jessica." Remus stepped forward, sparing her blushes. "No, she just asked me a question about my Potion in front of the class."

"Yeah - I shouldn't have done that." She nodded along.

Sirius felt himself stand up, crossing his arms. 

"I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable but I'm Sirius Black and I just want to let you know that - the rumours about me aren't true." He whispered, only to her. Remus gave him a small smile, his pride evident in his expression. "Could you - maybe tell people that?" 

"So you're not - you don't go to the Shrieking Shack?" 

Sirius shook his head. 

"And I'm not - I'm asexual." He said, with his whole heart. James, Peter and Lily's eyes all met in mutual confusion. "So, no." He said. "I'm asexual." He repeated, this time meeting Remus' eyes.

"Of course - I'll tell people. Sorry. Thank you." She shuffled away. 

"You're asexual?" Lily asked, her face glowing with glee for Remus.

"Yes." Sirius said. "And - and that's fine." He smiled. "And - another thing, and most importantly, Remus is fine with it." 

"Remus?" Peter raised his eyebrows. "Why does that matter?" 

James wasn't so dim. He just stood up and pulled his two best friends into a hug.

"I'm so happy!" James screeched.

"I'm confused -" Peter said.

"Isn't it obvious?" Lily asked. Peter shook his head.

"Remus is my boyfriend." Sirius said, taking Remus' hand.

"What?" 

"Yes." 

"But we're keeping it between us, okay?" 

"I knew it all along." James grinned, making Lily's eyes roll.

"You two?" Peter continued, making James clench his fist. It wasn't that difficult to understand. 

"Yes." Remus jumped in. "Sirius is my boyfriend." 

Sirius sat down, helping himself to a slice of toast. Then Remus followed, drinking fresh orange juice.

"You two were always meant to be."

***


End file.
